


Be My Light And Shine Brighter On Me

by K1mHeechu1



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, but not really, descriptions of panic attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-06-26 08:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/pseuds/K1mHeechu1
Summary: From: YuzuI'm really scared now.There is something wrong with this man.From: ZhenyaAre you okay?From: JasonYuzu?The day had been incredibly normal. So normal, it was almost boring.Until Yuzuru decided to take a taxi back home.





	1. Chapter 1

The day had been incredibly normal. So normal, it was almost boring.

He had gotten up, had breakfast, left for a double morning training session and then going back home to take a quick shower and change, before rushing downtown to the meeting his team had arranged for him, a new sponsor that wanted to talk about his terms and refine details for a photoshoot and CF filming session. He had been actually excited for once, as this contract would mean he'd get to wear and keep their new collections for the next two years, and he was already hooked with the brand, so he had jumped at the chance to represent them.

By the time the meeting was done, the sun had set, and darkness had covered the city, making Yuzuru shiver a little and bury his nose in his scarf, trying to keep the warmth.

He stood on the pavement, pondering for a minute, before deciding he was far too tired and cold to deal with public transportation, and calling for a taxi.

He barely had to wait a few minutes before the car was there, and he greeted the driver, putting his bag to the side. 

He gave the driver the name of the intersection of the streets on the corner of his house, knowing everyone always got confused if he just stated his address. Damn Toronto and its need to have two streets that were named basically the same. 

He took his phone out of his pocket as he the driver started going, and shivered, looking up and realising the windows were barely open, but allowed a cold breeze to enter the car, making him even colder than he already was. He opened the TCC Fam group chat, that Evgenia had forced all of them into, stating that they were lonely foreign sheep in the cold Canadian wasteland (that earned Evgenia the biggest eye roll from Jun, who in turn got a hit in return) and they had to be communicated in case they needed something... or in Yuzuru's case, wanted to make the drive home go by faster.

  
  
  


**From: Yuzu**

**taxi driver won't shut the windows**

**I'm freezing**

**I look like Rudolph the Reindeer.**

**From: Zhenya**

**Poor Yuzuru!**

**From: Jason**

**Let me guess, you forgot to take the warm coat again**

**From: Yuzu**

**You all mean I don't like you**

**From: Jun**

**We love you too**

  
  
  
  
  


"Sorry, is the music too loud?" The driver asked, and Yuzuru realised there was a loud EDM song playing through the car's speakers. He shook his head.

"No, it's okay."

"Do you like this type of music?" The driver asked, and Yuzuru inwardly sighed. Of course, he would get the chatty driver. He really was not in the mood to make small talk, he just wanted to get home and take a long, warm shower.

"Not really, but it not too bad."

"You look really young, you know? I would've thought you were a child until you talked. So, what's a young boy like you doing out at night alone in the city?" 

"I met with some people." Yuzuru kept his answer vague, he really did NOT want to talk.

"Oh, some school friends? Are you dating someone? You're too cute to be single." 

  
  
  


**From: Yuzu**

**the driver is flirting with me**

**I'm 100 percent sure**

**It's creepy**

**From: Jason**

**Shit, are you okay?**

**From: Jun**

**Send us your location**

  
  
  


"You're really pretty, you know? It should be illegal to be pretty as you are. It should be illegal to have the face you have, you're too damn pretty." Yuzuru smiled awkwardly.

  
  
  


**From: Yuzu**

**I'm kinda scared**

**no way I'm giving away where house is**

  
  
  


"So, what are your plans tonight? Have anyone waiting at home? Or are you going out?" Yuzuru looked out of the window, humming as an answer, trying to think about what to do. The driver was being extremely creepy, and he was beginning to regret not taking the bus.

_ 'Dammit, why did I decide to be lazy today out of all days?' _

"This is a really nice area to live in, I bet your house is really nice as well."

_ 'Fuck, Yuzu, think, think, think. You can't have this creep take you home. Find another option, c'mon.' _

"You're really quiet, aren't you? That's great, pretty boys that know how to stay quiet are the best"

  
  
  


**From: Yuzu**

**I'm really scared now.**

**There is something wrong with this man.**

**From: Jason**

**Yuzu make him drive you to my apartment, I'll pay for the difference.**

**From: Zhenya**

**Are you okay?**

**From: Jason**

**Yuzu?**

**From: Zhenya**

**Yuzu, please answer**

  
  
  
  
  


**_Seen: 7:11 PM_ **


	2. Chapter 2

Yuzuru shivered as he rested his back against the wall, letting out a sigh, hugging his bag close to his chest, and closing his eyes for a second.

  
  


* * *

_ "You can drop me in that corner, thank you." He said and looked at the taximeter as he took his wallet out of his pocket, getting the right amount out money to pay for the ride. He grabbed his bag and put it on his lap, as he tightly held the money with his left hand and the bag with his right hand. _

_ The driver parked the car and then turned around to stare at Yuzuru, who panicked again as he saw the way the man was looking at him. He quickly extended his left hand giving him the money. _

_ "You can keep the change." Yuzuru said, his voice shaking a little. _

_ "Thank you, pretty boy." The driver took the money, and before Yuzuru could do anything, he grasped his hand tightly, squeezing so hard it hurt. _

_ Yuzuru's danger senses were flashing red and emitting loud noises inside his head, but he stayed quiet and composed, roughly pulling his hand away after a bit of a struggle, opening the door and quickly walking the opposite direction to his house, half running until he reached his intended target: the convenience store that was half a block away from his house. _

_ The choice had been carefully made. There were two stores he had considered, each one on an opposite corner of his block: a small shop, and the convenience store. He had decided that, while he knew the owner of the small shop a lot better, the convenience store would be the safest option. The workers were always nice, and he could hide there, something he wouldn't have been able to do if he chose the small store, as all the walls were made of windows, and he would've been completely exposed. _

_ He opened the door, not looking back, only doing so carefully and discreetly when he closed the door behind himself and found that the taxi was still parked there, but the engine was no longer running, and the lights had been turned off. He could still distinguish the driver's dark silhouette inside the car though, so he rushed to the check-out, where a boy his age was sitting. _

_ "Hi, sorry, can I ask for favour? My taxi driver was creepy, and I think he is waiting for me to come out to do something, can I stay until he leaves?"  _

_ The boy looked at him, eyes wide before looking outside through the glass doors, staring at the parked vehicle for a few moments and nodding quickly. _

_ "Yes, of course, you can totally stay. Do you want to sit down? You can stay in the office, it's currently empty, and wait there. I'll let you know the second the car drives away." _

_ Yuzuru sighed in relief, and bowed a little in thanks, before making his way around the counter and following the employee. _

  
  


* * *

**From: Yuzu**

**I'm the convenience store on the corner of my house**

**He's still parked outside**

**From: Jun**

**That's creepy af**

**From: Zhenya**

**OMG YUZU STAY IN THERE**

**From: Jason**

**Stay in there and call the police. Don't move. Do you need me to go there? I'll go right now if you want.**

**From: Yuzu**

**I stay here until he leaves**

**Worker says it's okay**

**Jason, don't. I tell you if I need**

**From: Jason**

**Fine, but keep us updated. I'm worried about you.**

* * *

  
  
  


Yuzuru put his mobile down on the desk, tightening his grip around the bag a little before he let go, resting his cheek against the scratchy material.

He was really cold, he realised. His nose was definitely frozen now, and he couldn't feel his fingers.

He didn’t quite know if he should blame the cold or the fear for that one.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


"Hey, excuse me." The worker said, poking his head into the office and staring at Yuzuru, who was sitting behind the desk, expression a little lost, hugging his bag fiercely against his chest. "It's been 20 minutes and the taxi is still there, I don't think that dude is planning to leave at all. Do you want me to call the police? It's freaking me out a little too."

Yuzuru nodded.

"Yes, please call." The worker gave him thumbs up and quickly went back outside. 

  
  
  


* * *

A soft knock startled Yuzuru, and he quickly looked up from the wooden desk he had been staring at, to find a policeman standing in front of him.

"Hello sir, we were called about a possible stalking case?" Yuzuru instantly paled but stood up. 

"I don't know if it stalking. I took a taxi and the driver was creepy, saying things and then didn't want to let go of me when I pay. I run in here and stay inside just in case and the worker said he wasn't leaving."

"Yes, we already notified the others on patrol to look out of that taxi. We saw it run away the second the lights in our car were visible, so we do believe he might've been up to no good. You were incredibly smart, doing what you did. Can I take all your contact information, so we know who to call if we have a follow-up or need further information?" Yuzuru instantly agreed. "Great, just fill in this form for me, and then I'll see you home, the worker said you lived somewhere in the vicinity?" Yuzuru nodded. "Okay sir, I'll wait for you to be done then."

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yuzuru fished his keys out of his bag, and unlocked the front door, turning around the second it was open.

"Thank you so much for walking" He bowed his head respectfully, and the policeman smiled.

"It's my duty to see to the citizens' safety. You were extremely smart, and your quick thinking saved you there. We've had multiple rape cases in the last few months, all following the same modus operandi, and the victims' profiles have all been quite alike, always young people, or people that look younger, small in stature and dark haired. I think you might've dodged quite a big bullet there tonight." Yuzuru's eyes widened, and the policeman nodded at him. "I'll let you go inside now, please don't hesitate to call 911."

"Thank you." Yuzuru stepped inside and closed the door, locking it firmly and making sure all the chains were on it and it was firmly secure against anyone that might want to get in. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**From: Yuzu**

**I'm okay**

**the guy wouldn't leave so worker called the police**

**and when police arrived he left really fast**

**a policeman walked me home**

**From: Zhenya**

**oh god**

**glad you're safe now!!**

**From: Jason**

**jjkdkjjjj you're okay now, just breathe ♥**

**From: Jun**

**mum said she can drive me to pick you up if you don't want to stay home alone.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Thanks. I call if I need anything.**

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yuzuru allowed himself to crumble, falling to the floor, breath picking up as he felt the adrenaline leaving his body and the panic settling in. He closed his eyes, shivering as he tried to stop his brain for a second, to compose himself and get up and off the floor, but the panic was winning. His phone vibrated in his hand, and he dropped it in shock, as he had forgotten he was even holding it. He winced, checking his hand and seeing the large finger-shaped bruise that was already going an angry purple on his hand. It made him gasp, panic making it even harder to breathe. 

A soft meow caught his attention, and he quickly found himself with a lapful of soft, fluffy kitten. He tried to swallow around the knot in his throat, but he couldn't help but let out a sob, tears falling rapidly against the cat's soft hair.

He allowed himself to break down. He was still so scared, he felt as if he was still inside that car, and this was just a dream.

  
  
  
  
  


**4 unread messages**

**From: Javi**

**Yuzu, Jason called me**

**Are you okay?**

**Please call me as soon as you can**

**I love you**


	3. Chapter 3

Yuzuru didn't even realise he had closed his eyes at some point until he forced himself to open them.

He shook his head a little, looking around and trying to compose himself.

He was safe. He was inside. The driver was not going to get to him while he hid in the safety of his home.

He breathed out in relief and used the sleeve of his jacket to dry the sweat that had formed all over his face, rubbing his eyes to try to make himself more awake. Deep inside, he knew the way he was feeling as if he were trying to do things while in a pool of molasses, had nothing to do with sleepiness. No, what he was feeling was a different kind of tiredness, the one that comes after the adrenaline leaves your body and you crash, unable to hold yourself tall and whole anymore, and break into a million pieces, like a glass figurine slipping through a child's fingers and smashing against the cold, hard ground.

Yuzuru stood up, took his jacket off and placed it on the coat rack, and toed his trainers off. 

He did a mental check and realised he was missing two things: his phone and the cat. 

The phone he found easily, lying on the floor still in the same place it was when he first dropped it. He quickly grabbed and went further into the house, resting it on top of the kitchen counter before crawling under the dining table and smiling.

"Hi, pretty girl. You got tired of waiting for me to stop being stupid? Or were you cold?" Effie nuzzled the hand he was offering, and he picked her up, cuddling her against his chest and walking to the living room and sitting on the sofa. "That was so scary, pretty girl. I was really scared."

Effie simply licked his hand, grooming him and making him smile softly. He shuddered and then realised he hadn't stopped shivering since he got off the floor. He put Effie down on the sofa, before taking the soft blue blanket that was draped over the back and wrapping it around himself. Effie meowed at him, nuzzling her head against his leg. 

Yuzuru felt unreal. His body felt both like he was stuffed full of feathers, almost floaty and empty, but also like it was made of lead, heavy and stiff like it would sink to the bottom if he tried to go into the water. He looked around trying to find something to focus on, anything and suddenly, all he could see was his hand. 

The bruise was spreading all over the back and over his fingers as well, skin purpling, the blood pulsing in the area making it warm, and the entire thing felt incredibly swollen and sensitive. His vision kept going in and out of focus, his control slipping away little by little, and he couldn't help but try and squeeze his hand into a fist. The action was followed by a sharp intake of breath as the entire area throbbed painfully.

He scoffed at himself, before shaking his head and getting up. He had things to do and a small situation that was done and over was not going to mess him up. 

* * *

  
  


**From: Brian**

**Jason called me. He told me you had a bad experience tonight**

**From: Yuzu**

**I'm okay. Nothing happened.**

**From: Brian**

**Yuzu, take the week off. Do nothing, cuddle the cat, watch those anime things you like, play games.**

**There's still time, one week off won't hurt you.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Fine.**

**I'm still fine.**

**From: Brian**

**I know.**

**Call if you need anything.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Don't tell anyone in Japan**

**From: Brian**

**Ok, I'll let you do it yourself.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Nothing happened**

**From: Brian**

**Then tell your mother about that nothing.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Goodnight**

**From: Brian**

**Bye Yuzu. I mean it, call.**

**From: Yuzu**

**Yes.**

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Yuzuru woke up with a scream on his lips, kicking the covers away and sitting up. His heart was beating extremely fast, and his chest hurt, almost like when he felt when he was younger and he stupidly over trained until his insides felt like they had been scrambled, and his lungs made him feel like he was underwater, with no air to breathe.

He was soaked in cold sweat, and his hands were clammy, eyes full of tears. 

His fingers went to his hair, pulling at it to try to ground himself.

_ 'Stop, idiot. Stop. It was a dream. It's not real. it was a dream.' _

He felt like he couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, his lungs cried out for air, and he knew he needed to find the inhaler before the lack of oxygen became too much.

He stumbled out of bed and left the room, stumbling to the office, opening the desk's first drawer and closing his hand around the metal and plastic contraption. He took a few rushed puffs, lips closing around the inhaler, airways opening and allowing some much needed oxygen to make its way into his lungs. 

Yuzuru forced himself to go back to bed, sitting down and hugging his legs to his chest, body shaking all the way. 

His head was spinning, tears rolling down his cheeks, hands feeling numb, feet tingling. 

Blood pounded in his ears, and he distantly felt a distress Effie rubbing herself against his side but couldn't bring himself to uncurl from the position his body had adopted.

He wanted to scream.

He was safe, nothing had even happened. He wasn't hurt, except for a bruise, he hadn't been attacked, he was at home, behind locked doors and an alarm system, he was safe.

So why did he still feel like he was dying? 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**1 unread message**

**From: Javi**

**Yuzu, please answer. I'm getting extremely worried.**

* * *

**3 unread messages**

**From: Jason**

**Are you sure you don't want me to go?**

**I can totally stay with you for a few days.**

**Yuzu, remember you're not alone**

* * *

**4 unread messages**

**From: Zhenya**

**Yuzu, please stop ignoring our texts, we're getting worried.**

**I know that you're reading them, asshole.**

**Ok, no, I'm sorry I didn't mean it.**

**Please just answer. Even if it's just only to tell me to fuck off.**

* * *

**1 unread message**

**From: Mum**

**you missed our scheduled skype call, are you busy? tell me when you want to talk instead. love x**

* * *

**1 unread message**

**From: Jun**

**the offer to come to spend a few days with my mum and I still stands if you want to take it.**

* * *

**12 missed calls- voicemail**

**From: Javi**

* * *

  
  
  
  


He knocked his head against the wall, body curled into a small ball in a corner of the room, sitting on the floor.

It was his fourth sleepless night.

Yuzuru didn't think he remembered what being rested, and not anxious felt like.

He had always talked about how sleep was just a waste of productive time, and he would skip it completely if he didn't need it to be a better skater.

Yuzuru's teeth chattered, body in a perpetual state of cold, never having stopped shivering since that night.

He would give absolutely anything to be able to fall asleep and not be woken up by a nightmare, and the subsequent panic attack.

He was safe. Why couldn't he just get over it?

He was a fucking idiot.

Nothing had happened.

He couldn't stop shivering. He had a perpetual headache. He wouldn't stop having random dizzy spells, even when he wasn't moving at all.

_ NOTHING _

_ HAD _

_ HAPPENED. _

He had to go back to normal. He wasn't weak. He was a fucking idiot. 

He needed to get over it.


	4. Chapter 4

Lights. The lights were on. Why were the lights on?

When Yuzuru had gotten into the bathroom, no lights had been on. The dying light of the afternoon sun was still shining through the windows, so he had decided to just turn them on after he finished washing his face and cleaning his body to the best of his abilities.

His breathing got heavier as he looked around trying to see what was wrong, instantly feeling the rush of panic course through his body. 

Then he found it.

A red Reebok bag, forgotten at the bottom of the staircase, a small bunny keychain hanging from the zipper. 

He instantly perked up and ran downstairs. He had only 3 steps left to descend when Javier’s eyes found his, as he came in through the kitchen door.

“Javi!” Yuzuru jumped the rest of the way and threw himself into Javier’s arms, feeling them close around him, squeezing his body against his own. He buried his nose in Javier’s neck, inhaling the scent of stale aeroplane air, sweat, and the remains of the fabric softener they used, and something that was just inherently Javier. He felt more at home in the 30 seconds he had been in Javier’s arms than he had felt for the last week locked inside.

“Yuzu, thank God, I was so worried, you didn’t answer your phone, or messages, I was about ready to swim my way back if needed, just to get back to you faster.” Javier kissed his cheek, tightening his hold around him. 

“I’m okay. I’m okay. You’re here.” Yuzuru trembled in his arms, closing his eyes, and losing himself in Javier’s reassuring touch.

  
  
  
  


* * *

He gasped loudly, sitting up in a second, chest already hurting by the time he woke up, like he had been running for hours, escaping. But there was no escaping, he felt it everywhere. He felt it in the ants crawling inside his veins, in the panic coursing through his veins, on the way his hands felt cold and burning at the same time.

He felt a hand on his back, and he panicked, thrashing and screaming, trying to get away from the person that was touching him. He could hear a voice talking at a distance but had no idea what they were saying.

Shaking, every single muscle in his body trembling, he made his way to the bathroom blindly, his vision still tunnelling and making it impossible to focus on more than one thing.

Tears were falling down his cheeks, mouth open to allow the sobs to leave his throat. 

‘You’re safe. It was a dream. Fucking hell, stop this.’

‘Get away, get away, get away, go somewhere safe, run before he grabs you again.’

He fell on his knees, painfully, in front of the toilet, and started throwing up the meagre contents of his stomach. It had been days since he had been able to stomach much more than a few bites.

Everything felt off. Everything felt weird. It was so dark, he couldn’t see a thing, and he wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

“.... zu… Yuzu, love. Mi vida, c’mon, you’re safe, I’m right here.” Javier. That voice belonged to his Javi. He opened his eyes, and his eyes frantically searched the bathroom until he found his boyfriend’s face, and that made his sobs get louder.

He hated being weak in front of Javier.

“Habi...”

“Yuzu… you with me now?” Yuzuru nodded. “Can I touch you?” Another nod. Javier grabbed his hands, making Yuzuru flinch, and move until Javier was holding his wrists instead, and he helped Yuzuru up, flushing the toilet and guiding him to rinse his mouth and brush his teeth.

Javier adjusted his grip, arms surrounding Yuzuru’s waist, and guided him back to the bedroom, but instantly changed his mind and guided him downstairs when Yuzuru started crying hysterically once again the second his body touched the bed. 

He sat on the sofa with Yuzuru on his lap, cuddled close to his body, arms wrapped around his middle and face buried where his shoulder met his neck, breathing in Javier’s scent to calm himself.

Neither of them slept that night. Javier spent the entire night humming random songs, brushing his hands up and down Yuzuru’s back and planting soft, reassuring kisses on his forehead.

Yuzuru stayed up all night staring at the wall for the sixth time in a row.


	5. Chapter 5

When I started to write this today, I was determined to give you a proper chapter, a proper ending to Yuzu's story.

This chapter was supposed to give you two POV's: Yuzu's as he coped with what had happened and tried to recover, and Javi's as he stood by Yuzu's side, watching him fight against the things that kept popping up in his mind and making him take one step forward and two steps back.

It was supposed to show you Yuzu being terrified of leaving his house, and little by little trying to fight that fear. By going to the front garden, and then to the pavement, and then around the block, until he no longer panicked by the mere thought of being outside, exposed and having the driver find him. And then, Javi's POV would show you how he watched Yuzuru struggle but gently tried to help him.

It was also supposed to show you how Yuzu would be terrified of falling asleep and would have nightmares that would wake him up even when he had passed out from exhaustion, because the mere thought of sleeping and being vulnerable, and seeing the same situation happening again, and again in his dreams, but escalating and ending up with him sexually assaulted and murdered instead of safe and sound. And Javi dealing with having to see the man he loved cry from a mix of exhaustion and fear, and having to calm him down when he woke up from a nightmare.

It would've shown you Yuzu fighting the irrational fear of taxis and having panic attacks simply by watching them drive by as he walked around the neighbourhood with Javi. And then, how he would try to find a way to repress that fear -because there's no getting rid of the fear altogether.- enough to take a taxi to the rink, where Javi would be waiting for him at the door.

It was supposed to show you Yuzu going on with his life, with Javi by his side, every step of the way.

And I tried to write it, believe me, but I couldn't.

Because Yuzuru's story in this fic is my story, except with the fact that I didn't have a Javi to support me as I tried to fight the panic and the anxiety and the fear and the disgust and the feeling that I would never be able to go back to normal, that the taxi driver would somehow find me even if he didn't know my address, and would try to finish what he didn't get to start.

I started writing this story bc a friend told me maybe it would be a good idea to write it out, to put it into someone else's life and try to work it out that way, to try to cope, and it did help me a little, at the time.

I wrote every single chapter in between anxiety attacks, not being able to bring myself to re-read, even to spell check, before I posted them. I tried to dissociate myself from the things I was making Yuzu go through, but I couldn't.

I've been thinking on how to wrap this story nicely, give it a happy ending and complete the circle, but I couldn't, not when simply trying to start writing what was supposed to be the fifth chapter made me spiral into anxiety 28 words in. I realised a little while ago, I can't even think about reading rape or non-con in stories without getting anxious and feeling bad, so I now see it's logical I can't write the aftermath without getting anxious either.

So instead, I'm posting this to give this story, and myself, closure.

I now realise I couldn't write a happy ending I feel I don't have, so I'm leaving you with the words: Yuzu gets a happy ending, with Javi's support, and he goes back to normal, or as normal as one can be after something changes the way you live when your personal safety gets threatened, even if nothing ends up happening.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to re-open this story and write a proper ending, but I don't think I'm there yet.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, even if this note is completely being blurted out and I will post it without reading it again. Hell, I don't even know if this will make any sense, but this is the best I can do.

I'm sorry for abandoning this before I could give you a happy ending.

Thank you for reading.

Narwhal


End file.
